What do you want?

Dear Me,

Sweetheart be honest with me, be honest and tell me what you want, what you crave, I need you to be straight and clear. Just tell me. I don’t like you feeling this way, and I want to help you get out of it, tell me what you want and your wish is my command.

Dear Universe,

I want that one person, the person who cuddles me to sleep at night, and doesn’t want the next morning to come around because it means that they have to let me go for the day, and that’s too long for them. I want the person who gets a buzz in their stomach when they get even the briefest of texts from me. I want to feel love, enough love to fix my broken pieces and piece me back together. I want a guy who knows me better than I know myself, and loves and is there for me no matter what I do or how I feel. I need that person. I thought I had that person, and I don’t know what to do if I lose him, and to be honest with you I don’t know if I already have.

Dear Me,

Well first you need to feel the love of yourself to get that love in return, so get loving yourself, and second, the only people you lose in your life are the people who aren’t worth a second of your time. You are worthy of so much, you are a catch and you need to act like it. It’s okay sometimes to wallow in self pity but sometimes you need to get up and act like you’re tougher then you really are, you will have your fallbacks, you will cry yourself to sleep on occasions, but you will get up, because that’s what you do, you will always get back up! Don’t give up, and remember to have fun.

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It’s Happening Again

Dear Universe,

You have always been there for me, and to say I’m grateful for that would be an understatement. I admit that I do not have a clue what your true powers are, and for me to learn that, I know will take a long time. There will times where I don’t believe in you as much as I should, and don’t let you help me. But there will also be times where I rely on you, and only you.

The thing is, at the moment I’m feeling less the my worth, and of course that is allowing people to treat me so, and I don’t know how to get back up again. I have acne, my boyfriends’ away and I have forgotten how to cope, how to power through, my confidence has dropped, and I want the bright and bubbly me back again. I need help, and to be more specific, I need your help. So please, enlighten me.

Dear Little One,

Oh please don’t worry so much, it’s draining you, and there is nothing to worry about. You know that I will cover you when you’re feeling down, letting nothing you can’t handle come your way. I know you’re struggling at the moment, I know things can sometimes seem like they are too much, but that is when you turn your phone off, turn everything off, take a drive somewhere, see your pony and just BE. Not everything will always be like this, I promise. It will work out, one way or another.

Try and not put yourself through this unnecessary pain please.

Hey little one, just popping in with some advice.

Question . . .
Would you show your best friend their ex-boyfriends social media page to show them what they’re doing without them?

Answer . . .
No. Exactly. So why on earth do you put yourself through the pain of looking at it. It’s never going to bring you joy looking at it. There are two things you feel when looking at it, either you won’t feel anything, or you will feel a gut wrenching feeling deep in your stomach. So stop it. I care about you little one, and looking at it, keeping an eye on him is not going to help you move on. I know you want to know if he still thinks about you, if he still feels the same way you do…heartbroken. Even if he does; he is (I promise this) NOT going to post it on social media. Who the hell would? Especially if they are trying to show everyone, especially you, that they are so much better without you. So stop trying to hurt yourself, and think for a second. Ask yourself the question, ‘Would I do this to my best friend?’ if ‘no’ then DON’T do it. I care about you, and it sucks when I have to see you put yourself through an unnecessary hell. You are worth so much more than him, and you don’t deserve to feel like this, you know you don’t. You are stuck with yourself for life, so be nice.

Thank you Universe,

Sometimes it’s just so hard.

As always love from Me.

A Poem To You..

Before you, I was molded by perfection. I saw what I was worth, and I walked the ground like it had something it owed me.

Before you, I held my head so high that I couldn’t believe in gravity because I simply couldn’t see the ground.

I was your first everything, and I mean everything. So maybe, to you, I was just an experiment. Ready to test, question, then conclude to an end. Funnily enough, that’s not how I saw you. You had a lonely, broken heart because your friends couldn’t stand the melodramatic tone that was your presence. I made you become the amazing man you are today, and what did you give back? You gave back those sharp stones which I had removed from your soul. Returning them in anger.

Before you, I didn’t know what heart break felt like. All of those songs simply didn’t mean a thing to me, all of those movies where the girl gets over the boy by eating ice cream and spending 2 hours crying, I thought that was true. I thought all I needed to do, was to meet another perfect man, and to eat myself a tub of Ben&Jerry’s, and I suppose that costs only £3.99, so it can’t be that bad. But no. You made me fall in love so hard that I can’t drift away from you. But my heart is still broken, whilst yours is now fixed. I didn’t know what heart break felt like. But now I do, because of you.

You were perfect at first, spilling compliments like sugar in my tea. You treated me like treacle on a tart. Like a worshiper treats his goddess. You were perfect at first. However that tunnel where I could first see the light, you blocked off with your ego, and your selfish ways. You said you didn’t mean to hurt me, that you loved me, and because you said that, love to me is now a mystery.

The problem was you thought I was able to be owned, and I wasn’t. But you fought so hard that you turned everything I believed in into lies, and everything I believed against into commandments, which to me, were set in stone. You turned love into a nightmare full of insecurities and thorns, of which before I saw as a place where goodness, and happiness came from.

For a while I was attached to your bit of string, and now I am just about getting over the friction burns that you left. The string being so thin that I didn’t even know it was there. You were sneaky. I give you that. You wrapped me up in insecurities whilst pretending like I was the light of your world. You made me double look in the mirror because I forgot how I looked before. I had forgotten how to smile, and the times I did smile were those that I was told that I had too, for those ‘happy’ couple photographs, of which the command word was ‘cheese’.

What hurts the most is that I still look back on the happy memories, and am not plagued by the memories of the ongoing arguments, and looks which could of cut the oxygen out of the air. I don’t see the bad times. But of course you don’t, when you have your heart broken. Because the person that they turned into shares the same face of a person that you once knew as yours. They will always have that face. But what was yours, has now changed, and you are going to have to live with that.

I didn’t know what heartbreak was before you, but now I do.

Replaced.

Dear Universe,

How can he forget?

Forget all of those memories? How can he just move on with that girl two weeks after he told me that he hadn’t moved on? How can he be happy with her? Call her the same nicknames he once placed over my name. Share ‘happy couple’ photo’s on instagram on facebook. Making it ‘facebook official’, and saying ‘love you’. Maybe he is in love, and that hurts even more. But I know deep down that this is it. I have to move on, whether he’s truly in love, or just dating a ‘rebound’. It doesn’t matter, I know this. It just doesn’t feel fair, and I’m feeling easily replaced.

Dear Me,

You don’t know that he isn’t crying at night. He doesn’t know what you’re doing, and that is probably killing him, you can’t see what he’s feeling, and the looming pang in your stomach, which is there because you can never know what is in his thoughts, hoping he regrets letting you go, and hoping he thinks that you are much better than he current girlfriend. I have to say, that will come and go. My little girl he can put how ‘amazing’ his life is on social media, and he can have a laugh when he see’s you looking over his way, but that doesn’t mean it’s genuine.  I guarantee, even if he is genuinely in love with his new girlfriend, when you get a new guy in your life it will hurt him as much as it hurt you when you he called another girl ‘babe’. But do you know what? It will hurt him more. Because you waited to be strong enough to love again, when you weren’t heartbroken, when you fully recovered from his scars. You gave love to yourself, instead of trying to find yourself in another person. It will be real, and it will really hit home.

A person who is strong gives themselves time to recover, they give themselves space from relationships, focusing more on themselves than on finding someone else to define them. They build their walls so high that no one who is not worthy will break them again. They are queen’s and they rebuild their castle, of which has fallen, so it is stronger and taller. They will not let a penniless king come in from another county trying to steal her wealth of love and time. She will no longer fall for misguided compliments, or painful ego’s.  And when it comes to the time where she does feel able to have a man in her life, without letting him define her, he comes to her, NOT the other way round. He bows at her feet, and never treats her less than her worth.

She doesn’t give love easily anymore, she waits. Because she knows that her love is worth so much more than a simple 3 letter sentence, and an instagram post. Her love is rare. She is rare, and you my little girl are that girl. You are worth so much more, and I promise you now, your time will come. You are not second best, now act that way.

Mistakes.

Dear Universe,
My safety blanket is gone. I have made the worst mistakes, and the things I have done, they haunt me in my sleep.

My little girl,
Everyone, and I mean everyone makes mistakes. If you don’t then you wouldn’t be living, and that would be a pretty crappy life to be leading, wouldn’t it?
Have you ever played never have I ever as a drinking game? When all of you at a gathering are so drunk you probably couldn’t even say the 27 letters of the alphabet in order? That’s when the truth comes out right? And the stuff you find out is insane. Do you know why they’re insane? Because in order to do these insane things your friends have made their own share of mistakes. I send you mistakes so that you can learn from them. It could turn into a shit-storm yes, but then again it could not. You can’t predict the future so stop trying. I don’t want these negative vibes you’re sending me. Mostly because they’re negative, and mostly because they’re unnecessary. You made a mistake. It’s been done, and my dear you will make plenty more, I’m sure of it. But this is one mistake that you don’t have to make again, learning from it is how you become someone better, someone I’m hoping, and know you will grow up to be. Don’t let that one mistake haunt you. Use it. Use it too learn, use it as a motivation to be a better person, use it as a story to tell your children so that they don’t make the same one you did. So don’t let those thoughts haunt you, let them help you. You never needed a safety blanket anyway, you have the fire of desire in your heart to keep you warm.

Worry less little one, and keep smiling. I’m so proud of how far you have come.

There are Times

Dear Universe, It’s me.

Hello Universe, long time. I’m feeling down, and the sad thing is I only write to you when I’m feeling down in the dumps. It’s like when you have a sore throat, and you only really time you truly are grateful about swallowing is when you feel like your swallowing a load of spikes. The only way I can reason with myself is sitting down and really taking a moment appreciating what you do for me.

The problem I find is that I keep making excuses that life gets in the way, that I’m too busy, that things are okay, that I don’t need to write when I’m not feeling down, I need to enjoy feeling happy. I don’t think that should be the case. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, who is a councillor. She told me that she gave out multiple sheets for people with depression and anxiety to complete, this was to help them to take a minute and write down any worries they had so that they could talk and tackle them in the next session . Most of them however did not get around to completing them. As a society we learn that things are best done in groups, friendships, school, business; therefore when it comes around to ‘me time’ often people just put it to the side and make another excuse to not spend time thinking about themselves, especially when people suffer with depression – they don’t want to be left alone with there thoughts.

I think we all take for granted the little things. We do it because we’ve become accustomed to it. What we forget is that change can come at any time, whether this be good change, or bad change. We forget because we get used to stuff. We should never be used to stuff. I remember sitting in a Philosophy class once watching a video on Buddhism. The Dalai Lama was talking about buddhism. I remember him saying that we should never live in the future or the past, we should always live in the now. I’d reached a problem, I sat there wondering; if I was supposed to live in the present how was I supposed to complete my goals without looking into my future, and planning ahead? See now I know that is not what he meant by this. What he meant is that the worries you have about the future, you don’t need to worry about them – they haven’t happened yet, you can plan all you want to, but allow into your plan change, because the world is always changing. When he said live in the ‘now’ I think what he meant was look around you, take in life, even if it’s just for 5 minute’s a day, be grateful for what you have, because there is someone in the world wishing they had a tiny amount of what you have.

Dear Me,

Me time is important. In essence you are the only person you can 100% rely on in this world, you are going to be spending your whole life with yourself therefore you need to learn to love yourself, and that is what the intention of me time is for. People will let you down, and make you feel like the world is a horrible place. You will want to lock yourself in a room and never talk to another human being again. But in doing that you cut off all other opportunities. Good opportunities. You can’t get a rainbow without the storm, and what if the storm is present because it’s trying so hard to wash you clean? Shit happens. It happens to everyone. It happens because some people suck. It happens because tha’s life. But if you didn’t have the bad times then how on earth could you know how lucky you were to be blessed with so many good times. So take a breath. Read a book, listen to music, go on a walk, a run, anything. Just do it, spend some time alone, it’s scary, but in the end I promise it will be worth it. I work with you, and your thoughts – I can be your friend or your foe. So, what’s it gunna be? Friend or Foe?

From your Universe.