A Poem To You..

Before you, I was molded by perfection. I saw what I was worth, and I walked the ground like it had something it owed me.

Before you, I held my head so high that I couldn’t believe in gravity because I simply couldn’t see the ground.

I was your first everything, and I mean everything. So maybe, to you, I was just an experiment. Ready to test, question, then conclude to an end. Funnily enough, that’s not how I saw you. You had a lonely, broken heart because your friends couldn’t stand the melodramatic tone that was your presence. I made you become the amazing man you are today, and what did you give back? You gave back those sharp stones which I had removed from your soul. Returning them in anger.

Before you, I didn’t know what heart break felt like. All of those songs simply didn’t mean a thing to me, all of those movies where the girl gets over the boy by eating ice cream and spending 2 hours crying, I thought that was true. I thought all I needed to do, was to meet another perfect man, and to eat myself a tub of Ben&Jerry’s, and I suppose that costs only £3.99, so it can’t be that bad. But no. You made me fall in love so hard that I can’t drift away from you. But my heart is still broken, whilst yours is now fixed. I didn’t know what heart break felt like. But now I do, because of you.

You were perfect at first, spilling compliments like sugar in my tea. You treated me like treacle on a tart. Like a worshiper treats his goddess. You were perfect at first. However that tunnel where I could first see the light, you blocked off with your ego, and your selfish ways. You said you didn’t mean to hurt me, that you loved me, and because you said that, love to me is now a mystery.

The problem was you thought I was able to be owned, and I wasn’t. But you fought so hard that you turned everything I believed in into lies, and everything I believed against into commandments, which to me, were set in stone. You turned love into a nightmare full of insecurities and thorns, of which before I saw as a place where goodness, and happiness came from.

For a while I was attached to your bit of string, and now I am just about getting over the friction burns that you left. The string being so thin that I didn’t even know it was there. You were sneaky. I give you that. You wrapped me up in insecurities whilst pretending like I was the light of your world. You made me double look in the mirror because I forgot how I looked before. I had forgotten how to smile, and the times I did smile were those that I was told that I had too, for those ‘happy’ couple photographs, of which the command word was ‘cheese’.

What hurts the most is that I still look back on the happy memories, and am not plagued by the memories of the ongoing arguments, and looks which could of cut the oxygen out of the air. I don’t see the bad times. But of course you don’t, when you have your heart broken. Because the person that they turned into shares the same face of a person that you once knew as yours. They will always have that face. But what was yours, has now changed, and you are going to have to live with that.

I didn’t know what heartbreak was before you, but now I do.



Dear Universe,

How can he forget?

Forget all of those memories? How can he just move on with that girl two weeks after he told me that he hadn’t moved on? How can he be happy with her? Call her the same nicknames he once placed over my name. Share ‘happy couple’ photo’s on instagram on facebook. Making it ‘facebook official’, and saying ‘love you’. Maybe he is in love, and that hurts even more. But I know deep down that this is it. I have to move on, whether he’s truly in love, or just dating a ‘rebound’. It doesn’t matter, I know this. It just doesn’t feel fair, and I’m feeling easily replaced.

Dear Me,

You don’t know that he isn’t crying at night. He doesn’t know what you’re doing, and that is probably killing him, you can’t see what he’s feeling, and the looming pang in your stomach, which is there because you can never know what is in his thoughts, hoping he regrets letting you go, and hoping he thinks that you are much better than he current girlfriend. I have to say, that will come and go. My little girl he can put how ‘amazing’ his life is on social media, and he can have a laugh when he see’s you looking over his way, but that doesn’t mean it’s genuine.  I guarantee, even if he is genuinely in love with his new girlfriend, when you get a new guy in your life it will hurt him as much as it hurt you when you he called another girl ‘babe’. But do you know what? It will hurt him more. Because you waited to be strong enough to love again, when you weren’t heartbroken, when you fully recovered from his scars. You gave love to yourself, instead of trying to find yourself in another person. It will be real, and it will really hit home.

A person who is strong gives themselves time to recover, they give themselves space from relationships, focusing more on themselves than on finding someone else to define them. They build their walls so high that no one who is not worthy will break them again. They are queen’s and they rebuild their castle, of which has fallen, so it is stronger and taller. They will not let a penniless king come in from another county trying to steal her wealth of love and time. She will no longer fall for misguided compliments, or painful ego’s.  And when it comes to the time where she does feel able to have a man in her life, without letting him define her, he comes to her, NOT the other way round. He bows at her feet, and never treats her less than her worth.

She doesn’t give love easily anymore, she waits. Because she knows that her love is worth so much more than a simple 3 letter sentence, and an instagram post. Her love is rare. She is rare, and you my little girl are that girl. You are worth so much more, and I promise you now, your time will come. You are not second best, now act that way.

There are Times

Dear Universe, It’s me.

Hello Universe, long time. I’m feeling down, and the sad thing is I only write to you when I’m feeling down in the dumps. It’s like when you have a sore throat, and you only really time you truly are grateful about swallowing is when you feel like your swallowing a load of spikes. The only way I can reason with myself is sitting down and really taking a moment appreciating what you do for me.

The problem I find is that I keep making excuses that life gets in the way, that I’m too busy, that things are okay, that I don’t need to write when I’m not feeling down, I need to enjoy feeling happy. I don’t think that should be the case. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, who is a councillor. She told me that she gave out multiple sheets for people with depression and anxiety to complete, this was to help them to take a minute and write down any worries they had so that they could talk and tackle them in the next session . Most of them however did not get around to completing them. As a society we learn that things are best done in groups, friendships, school, business; therefore when it comes around to ‘me time’ often people just put it to the side and make another excuse to not spend time thinking about themselves, especially when people suffer with depression – they don’t want to be left alone with there thoughts.

I think we all take for granted the little things. We do it because we’ve become accustomed to it. What we forget is that change can come at any time, whether this be good change, or bad change. We forget because we get used to stuff. We should never be used to stuff. I remember sitting in a Philosophy class once watching a video on Buddhism. The Dalai Lama was talking about buddhism. I remember him saying that we should never live in the future or the past, we should always live in the now. I’d reached a problem, I sat there wondering; if I was supposed to live in the present how was I supposed to complete my goals without looking into my future, and planning ahead? See now I know that is not what he meant by this. What he meant is that the worries you have about the future, you don’t need to worry about them – they haven’t happened yet, you can plan all you want to, but allow into your plan change, because the world is always changing. When he said live in the ‘now’ I think what he meant was look around you, take in life, even if it’s just for 5 minute’s a day, be grateful for what you have, because there is someone in the world wishing they had a tiny amount of what you have.

Dear Me,

Me time is important. In essence you are the only person you can 100% rely on in this world, you are going to be spending your whole life with yourself therefore you need to learn to love yourself, and that is what the intention of me time is for. People will let you down, and make you feel like the world is a horrible place. You will want to lock yourself in a room and never talk to another human being again. But in doing that you cut off all other opportunities. Good opportunities. You can’t get a rainbow without the storm, and what if the storm is present because it’s trying so hard to wash you clean? Shit happens. It happens to everyone. It happens because some people suck. It happens because tha’s life. But if you didn’t have the bad times then how on earth could you know how lucky you were to be blessed with so many good times. So take a breath. Read a book, listen to music, go on a walk, a run, anything. Just do it, spend some time alone, it’s scary, but in the end I promise it will be worth it. I work with you, and your thoughts – I can be your friend or your foe. So, what’s it gunna be? Friend or Foe?

From your Universe.

Why am I scared?

Dear Universe,

Why am I scared? I know that you have my back, there is no reason I should be frightened, right? But the future scares me more than you can ever know. I feel alone in this big world, and I don’t want to be alone.

Dear Me,

Oh my darling little girl. You came into this world without fear, and I very much hope that you will leave without it too. Being scared is natural, we are scared because it protects us from getting broken. There are times where I will do something which scares you, and I do this for your benefit. You won’t learn what being burnt feels like by not touching anything which is hot, and if you don’t learn this from early on then you will get burnt so badly that you will never recover.

So I tell you this now. If you get rejected from that perfect job, it’s because you weren’t ready for it. If you get your heart broken, it’s because I’m getting you ready to meet the love of your life. If I do something which makes you break down in tears, I’m doing it to teach you how to be strong. My dear girl, you were born into this world to be a Queen, and to be a Queen you have to experience the good and the bad. You hold your head high not because you want to, but because you have taught yourself that being weak is not in your vocabulary. So holding your head high has become second nature.

Wear that façade, because I don’t want anyone seeing how vulnerable you are, and if they do, then you will laugh it off like some sick joke you are tired of hearing. Being weak does not define you, it has never defined you. So stand up, no matter what, and give it your all. I know you are scared but I give you the things I know you can cope with. So if I don’t think you’re ready,  I will not put your wants above your needs. But when I know you are ready I’m going to hit you with everything I’ve got. So little girl, stand up and this is your time to take on the world.

I’m on your side little one. So trust me when I say, there is no need to be scared.